How to Help Kids on the Spectrum Identify and Connect With Their Strengths
I’ve experienced many rewarding moments as a trained psychologist who conducts Visible Wellbeing (VWB) training for teachers and parents. And in one of these trainings, a teacher came up to me at lunchtime to tell me about her students and also one of her own children. You see she’s the parent of a child who is on the spectrum. That means she’s had doctors, psychologists, and even fellow teachers constantly pointing out what was wrong with her child. She told me this has gravely affected her son’s self-image. After hearing me talk about strength-based education, she told me she’d apply the training not just as a teacher, but as a parent. She wants nothing more than to help her son change the way he thinks about himself. It was a refreshing moment for her, and a rewarding one for me. It’s because I spent more than 25 years as a university researcher in psychology and education to come up with the SEARCH Framework as the centre piece of my Visible Wellbeing program.
For context, the SEARCH Framework helps young people reach their full potential through six pathways:
● Emotional Management
● Attention and Awareness
● Relationships
● Coping
● Habits and Goals
So, it was a moment of joy for me to realize that the first pathway—strengths—resonated strongly with a teacher who also parents a child who’s on the spectrum. And she’s right on the money, too. Because strength-based parenting can be an important way to build a child’s identity well.
Strength-Based Parenting
If you’re a parent to a kid who is neurodiverse or on the spectrum, I don’t need to tell you how demoralising it can be to have society solely focus on what seems to be missing or lacking in your child. Strength-based parenting flips the script. It starts with the question “What is right with my child?” before it looks at what might be wrong. Notice how I used the word ‘before’. That’s because strength-based parenting is not meant to turn a blind eye to the downsides. Instead, it’s about placing your attention on strengths first before shortcomings. This helps your children own what they’re good at so they may use those strengths to overcome what they’re not so good at.
One thing I learned as a trained psychologist and a University Professor is that “diagnosing” what’s wrong with a person may be helpful in certain instances. It could help doctors plan effective treatment and it could help teachers extend help to their struggling students. Still, this “diagnose and deficit” orientation can erode a child’s identity. So, as a parent, you could help counter this message through strength-based parenting. Some of the strengths that go with being in the spectrum include creativity, hyper-focus, and pattern detection. As a parent, you can boost their sense of self and let them know that they are much more than what they “lack.” Now, the question is: How can you determine the strengths of your child?
3 Ways to Spot The Strengths of Kids on the Spectrum
Anything that energizes your child, boosts their effectiveness, and gives them an advantage is a strength. You could also zero in on specific talents, like the ability to memorize facts, play an instrument, or run fast. Don’t forget to consider character strengths, too, like humour, courage, and even kindness. All that to say—strengths come in all shapes and sizes. However, there are typically three elements that constitute strength formation. So, in order to practice strength-based parenting, try to keep an eye on all three elements:
#1: Performance
Look for things your kid is good at. Observe instances when they show quick learning, a repeated pattern of success, or good performance that exceeds expectations for their age.
#2: Energy
The thing with strengths is that they are self-reinforcing. When we do something we’re strong at, we are filled with vigour and we feel good. So, when your child shows abundant energy when doing something they’re good at, it’s a cue that they’re using a strength.
#3: High Use
We all tend to choose to do things that we’re strong at. So, look for how your child chooses to spend their spare time, what they like to do frequently, and what things they love talking about. One of the best things about strength-based parenting is the joy of looking for signs that these three elements are present in an activity your child engages in. And once you do identify the presence of these elements, the next step is to connect your child with their strengths.
Connecting Kids on The Spectrum With Their Strengths For Positive Outcomes
As a parent to a kid on the spectrum, you can put in the effort to connect them with their strengths once you identify what their strengths are. There are three ways you can help your child play to their strengths. You could:
● Talk to your child about your observations so they can be made aware of their strengths
● Be hands-on and make time for activities that employ your child’s strengths
● Enable opportunities, relationships, and even equipment for your child to practice their strengths
To illustrate, my daughter Emily loves to draw. She’ll watch cartoons while drawing the characters in real-time. And she also draws pictures on every single birthday card she gives her friends. So, I talk to her and encourage her to enter art competitions. I also make sure the house is always stocked with art supplies. It’s simple ways like this that you can help foster your child’s strengths.
You Can Start Practicing Strength-Based Parenting Today
Strength-based parenting could help make your child see the upsides of their identity and the uniquely positive aspects of being on the spectrum. By empowering them to explore and play to their strengths, you could help them make strides in seeing themselves beyond the deficits of their diagnosis. And because exploring a child’s strengths is a journey the whole family can take, strength-based parenting can likewise strengthen your familial bonds for a happier, more uplifting life.
Now, if you want to learn more about how you can start practising strength-based parenting, you could join my Strength Switch - Online Positivity Family Program. Try out some of the family wellbeing activities I’ve designed to foster strength-based parenting.