The Three Steps That Help You to Raise Your Child’s Courage
Raising our children’s courage can reduce their anxiety levels and encourage personal growth. However, the process doesn’t happen overnight. Read on to learn how we can boost our child’s courage starting today.
My 18-year old son, Nick, recently had to do an oral examination for his Year 12 English class. His assignment was to give a 6-minute talk to a panel of external assessors, a task that seemed easy given his nature. After all, I can never seem to get Nick to stop talking at home. But we all know that public speaking can be anxiety-provoking.
My friend, Peter, has a 10-year old son, Tim, who is in Grade 4 and also had to do a presentation. This young boy usually gets nervous whenever he is in the spotlight, so he practised his talk daily to try and get comfortable with his presentation.
Tim’s dad talked to him about the strengths he used to overcome his nerves and that in a few years, speaking in front of people probably won't even bother him at all.
I learned that Tim actually did the same thing in Year 2. When he did that talk, he told his dad he was “this much nervous” - demonstrating it by holding up his hand as high as his little sister.
In Year 3, he said he was “this much nervous” - holding his hands lower this time to show about the width of a basketball.
In Year 4?
He held one hand with a 10cm gap between his thumb and pointer finger.
Every year his fear got smaller as his courage got bigger.
Tim’s story shows us that fear gets smaller and smaller over time as one’s courage grows.
And if you can help your child develop courage, it might help them avoid the kind of anxiety that Nick and Tim experienced when giving presentations.
But as a parent, how exactly can you help raise your child’s courage in a strength-based way?
This article will explain just that.
What is Courage?
Let’s start by defining the term “courage” as “taking a worthwhile risk”.
With that said, the principal features of courage are the following:
It is a voluntary action. For a person to make a courageous action, it has to be their voluntary choice.
It is an action involving taking on risk, despite fear.
Overall, courage is a highly subjective judgement of the present risk. For example, for a person with a blood phobia, donating blood can represent extraordinary courage, just like a person with a fear of negative evaluation needs a lot of courage to ask for feedback at work.
Your child may show courage by standing up to peer pressure, doing the right thing in difficult situations, trying new things even if they are scared, and even by asking questions if they’re shy.
In different situations, we can see how courage plays an important role in your child's life. And that’s why it’s important to learn the steps for helping your children build courage.
The Steps for Helping Your Child Build Courage
Parents like us can follow these three steps to raise our child’s courage and at the same time help them handle all kinds of circumstances:
Step #1 - Remind Them That Fear Isn’t Always Helpful
We can help our children understand that fear is sometimes helpful and sometimes unhelpful, depending on the level of risk.
For example, their fear of being hurt may urge them to move to the side of the road where it’s safe and where they can avoid getting hurt by a passing car. In this case, their fear is helpful.
But let’s say your child has a fear of public speaking, just like Nick and Tim. Although it may feel like it, this fear-inducing event doesn’t pose a high risk. It’s not life threatening (but may be a bit embarrassing if we don’t perform as well as we want to).
The point is that responding to every fear-inducing event as if it were a high risk can lead us to miss out on big opportunities and enjoy new experiences.
So, the next time your child senses fear, you can ask them if the fear is helpful or unhelpful. Depending on your child, you might also ask them whether they are avoiding pain or seeking growth. Most of the time, kids seek growth, and it’s important they learn that fear can sometimes stop them on that journey.
Step #2 - Approach Situations Objectively
Often, the fear our children experience doesn’t come from thinking about the worst-case scenario. Rather, it may be about the ‘mild-case’ scenario.
Let's explain this by using my son, Nick, as an example – he felt fear before his public presentation at school. But let’s imagine the worst-case scenario here. If he forgot his lines and the classmates teased him, he’d likely go home and try to learn from his experience for the next presentation.
Because how he feels about that situation may include feelings of embarrassment, shame, and other similar emotions. Those feelings are what he will remember rather than what really happened – forgetting his lines.
So, the next time you talk to your child about courage, you can teach them to be objective and focus on the facts just as much as their feelings. If they can be more attentive to what actually happens, and not the meaning they attach to it, they may have a much easier time displaying their courage.
Step #3 - Take Gradual Steps to Increase Your Child’s Comfort Zone
Even though the steps to increasing courage in your child may seem simple, the process isn’t likely to happen overnight. Instead, you can focus on helping them expand their comfort zone one step at a time.
For instance, if your child does experience fear before a public presentation or going to a party or making new friends…
You can start small by having them ask someone for directions or letting them engage in a short conversation with one of your friends.
In doing so, they may start feeling more comfortable talking with people in short bursts, eventually working their way to feeling more confident in having long conversations with other people, delivering a speech, mixing at a party and so on
Raising Courageous Children
Our children often experience situations that require them to show courage. Whether they’re shy at asking a question or speaking up for what they believe is unfair to the class, we can help to raise their courage so they can have an easier time confronting these situations.
To do that, we can tell them that fear isn’t always helpful, show them how to approach situations objectively, and finally, gradually increase their comfort zone.
And as parents, we need to remember to be patient with our children and approach the process one step at a time.
If you’d like to learn more about strength-based parenting, I invite you to do my Strength-Based Parenting (SBP) Quiz.